2014 Memory Jar: No one really talks about these things.

About a year ago, I started a memory jar.  I didn’t realize it then, but I was at a very low point in my life. Some events from summer 2013 had made me lose much hope in people and in myself.  I pretty much stopped caring. I got to a state where I didn’t want to trust anyone. I thought everyone was bad and I became a strong believer of “self preservation”…I got really selfish. If people that I had thought were wonderful, and I had trusted and cared with all of my heart had just hurt me so much; everyone else must be the same or worst. That was my logic back then. I had no system of beliefs or values and went ahead and just decided to do what felt good, somewhat right, or was beneficial to me at the moment.
I had this friend that I would always tell everything to. Back then, I felt I couldn't trust her because I didn't want to believe anyone was good. I was paranoid after that summer. I am very grateful I met her though. I think she was the only person I truly trusted at that time regardless of how much I refused to admit it. Although we partied, made stupid decisions, pulled all nighters and ate lots and lots of pizza to cope with things, we always managed to look good (at least she always did), get straight A’s and graduate with honors. Everything seemed good, but nothing was really good. I was depressed. I developed mild anxiety and felt empty all the time. Why was it that the bad things were affecting me so much? Back in high school, no matter how bad things went, nothing ever managed to penetrate my outer shell. Yes, cancers are very emotional but this was extreme.

I would come home and instead of writing on a diary, I began writing little notes and deposited them in a memory jar. 

“Took care of my uncle today”

“We watched the stars in the beach”

“happy cheat day fatties!”

“I lost my iPhone but it was worth it”

“the grass is lava!” 

“Started a blog- april 2014” 

I am really impatient and I opened my memory jar 3 days before I was supposed to. I can only smile and tear as I look at all these notes and such. My life is completely different now than it was at the beginning of this year. I was studying to take my MCAT, because I wanted to go to medical school like everyone else I know. I had terrible communication problems with my family. I was negative more than 50 percent of the time, I constantly lied to people I love, and cried more times in my room than I can remember. 

Now, I am on my way to doing what I really love, which is not medicine. My anxiety has gone away and I never cry anymore. I definitely feel stronger. I learned to not expect anything, and to accept things as they are. I have also met so much people this year! Some have left, others have come and go, and some I can tell, will be here forever. I have an amazing relationship with my family, and I am again the person that I was before summer 2013...though more mature and older. As I talk to my friends and even my mom, I realize that everyone goes through these periods but very few people actually talk about it. It is amazing how much your life can change in the span of one year.

I encourage you to welcome this year with happiness and love in your heart. Let go of anything bad that happened, and cherish the great memories. Smile at strangers, make a new friend every week, go on walks more often, and enjoy every moment of your life.

I hope my story inspires you to make a memory jar, and to really think about all the good and the bad things that have shaped you into the wonderful person you are today.

Happy Holidays! 

-The Starry Eyed Girl